at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
