so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I am puke
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
