goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
