I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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