If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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