Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
