I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
