Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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