somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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