Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
