I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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