you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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