I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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