I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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