We won't sleep together?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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