I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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