I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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