Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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