wrigley field is MILF paradise
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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