just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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