I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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