Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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