I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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