my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
