his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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