A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
