My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
