Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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