Umm I'm too high to move.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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