sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
