True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
