White coat. Heels.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
