Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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