its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
