She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
