I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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