I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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