you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
