The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
