just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
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He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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