I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
