Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
