took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
