Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
