I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
