god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
