I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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