I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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