the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".