How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
