he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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