Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
