Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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