Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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