Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
