I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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