I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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