Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
