piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
