Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
