My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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