I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
