She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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