probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
